A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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