At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
