My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
