im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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