____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize