He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
