and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
