how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
