Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
