No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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