Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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