Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
