i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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