he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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