I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
