Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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