nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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