she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
