@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
