I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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