Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
