She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
