I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I will pee on everything he values.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
