I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
