Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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