I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
