even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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