I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
