Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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