I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
