I will die if light touches me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
