i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
