my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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