Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
