I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
