ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
