She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
