youre lurking in front of me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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