By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
