Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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