I'm really into asian looking animals
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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