I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
