I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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