She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
