I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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