When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
