Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
