I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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