Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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