how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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