and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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